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A friend of mine challenged me, yesterday, to remember that my story hasn't been written yet.  It has gotten me thinking. 
Actually a lot of things have gotten me thinking.
What is my story? What is my dream?
I admit, I've been fairly myopic over the past number of years, and I know why, to some extent.  Part of it was the journey I was on; part of it was because I don't trust hope, finding it a very dangerous commodity when your heart is fragile; but mostly because I don't really know what/who I want to be when I 'grow up'.
Moving to England has been a big desire for me for a while, not news to most of you, but it has, in many ways, been an excuse to remain stagnant.  As a result I'm often the one who can be relied on to cover the bases, to pick up the pieces, to bring support, and sacrifice, and deep inside I've been crying "What about me?  Can anyone see the me beyond what I can do?"
I'm beginning to realize that this is, in many ways, my fault.  I have allowed myself to come to this place because I've forgotten how to dream. I've forgotten that there could be more to my life than a potential move.
I've really done a good job taking on other people's dreams, almost convincing myself that they're mine.  I've gotten passionate about things that I long to see happen, because I need to be passionate, but none of them are things I can take ownership of. I've even gone so far as to ask my siblings "If I went back to college, what do you think I should study?"
The truth of the matter is, I could do many things well, I could have a smörgåsbord of options, however, Just because I can, doesn't mean I should.
Just because I can, doesn't mean it's mine.
What's my dream?  Do I even know how to dream any more? I can't continue to appropriate others' dreams and be happy, it doesn't work that way.
I've also realized something else. 
I've got to stop trying to not be a trailblazer.  This is me. I think I've been joining with other people's vision because I don't want to embrace that I am to be a pioneer.  I've experienced a fair amount of pain on that part of the journey so far, and so therefore, subconsciously, I've backed away from leadership of this sort because I am tired of pain.
I think I realized that running from who I am causes pain too. 
It's good to have this realization, but I don't even know where to go from here.  How do I start to dream again?  How do I stop viewing hope as dangerous?  How do I stir the waters?  How do I step out as a leader again, but on my terms, on God's terms, and not as I'm expected to?
I haven't a clue, but staying here isn't an option.  It's killing me.

I don't normally ask for prayer like this, for a personal situation.  Mostly because I feel there are greater needs than my own. Today I come because I have a great need.

As most of you know I've been pursuing immigration to the United Kingdom.  This is something I have longed for since I was 13, and we left London after having lived there for a number of years.  When my family went back in 93, and I had to stay here it was very hard.  It's become more difficult over the years, especially with my moms illness over the past 7yrs.  The longing to move was always there, but the possibility was remote.

About 18 months ago I finally got a break.  Some good friends let me move in with them, cutting down on my expenses with the goal of being able to move to England, and then last November my Uncle paid off my student loans unexpectedly, freeing me of one of the major obstacles to moving.  Since then I've been working towards my goal, but have had some set backs.  The most major one being that I was running into difficulties getting a clear answer as to what Visa I should apply for.  After some huge runarounds my parents got in touch with an immigration lawyer in the UK.  He gave them some preliminary information, but they are meeting with him Monday when they will be able to get a clearer picture from him.  What we have found out so far is a major blow.

1.  Brittan doesn't have very good family reunification laws.  They're good if I was under 18 or completely dependent on my family due to illness, but I'm not. So just because my whole family lives there doesn't mean a thing if I want to go.

2.  The fact that I didn't finish college doesn't work in my favor. 

The Lawyer said that my mothers Illness could help, and it would be easier to get a visa if I had a job lined up over there (which creates its own list of issues, as most jobs will not go through the hassle of hiring me and applying for me to come over with out being highly specialized).

I really need you to be praying.  The meeting on Monday will be more comprehensive, where the lawyer has actually done some work, and will be able to speak more specifically.  I need prayer for peace and faith, because both are sorely lacking.  The whole situation is out of my hands until then, and I can't do anything, which frustrates me.  In addition, I feel like my dreams are hanging by a thread, and may be out of reach, which is very difficult to handle.  I didn't let myself hope for this for a long time, and just as I have really started to hope, things have come up against this.

So  tom  posed a question:
What are five movies you love far more than you probably should?
(Citizen Kane, The Godfather, Casablanca, et al, are on lots of people's favorites.  Name five movies that just work for you, even if critics hate it and your friends roll their eyes)

Here's my answers (in no particular order)

1) Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure-I just love this movie and it's antics.  I can quote this movie like there is no tomorrow.  I enjoy George Carlin's time lord appearance, and get such a kick out of these two rock star wannabe's and their circular logic.  Then add to it Socrates (pronounces So-krayts), Beethoven, and The Freud Dude (yes they do rhyme) and Missy ( I mean mom), and you have a wonderful romp through history, rock and roll, and avoiding Military School.  And though I tremble to admit it, every time I go  by a certain gas station, I find myself uttering the fabulous phrase from this sublime screenplay, "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K".
2) Simply Irresistible.  O.K.  I'll admit it, this has precious few redeeming qualities, but I love it none the less, and have watched it often. Food, love, magic, dancing, enchanted crabs...this movie has it all. Including my French motto "Nous nagent dans une flaque du merde".
3) Best in Show- Seriously one of the best Christopher Guest movies ever.  I loved this from the beginning.  The 'mocumentary' on dog shows follows several owners as they come to the premier kennel club show in the US.  It is freaking hilarious.  Not to be missed are the deleted scenes, one of whom should never have been cut.  A very gay couple is talking to two men who both happen to have been named Jack and knew each other for years.
Jack 1:  Yes, we're a pair of Jacks.
Scott Dolan:  We're a pair of Queens.  We win.  Let's play again.
Seriously, you can't beat dialog like that!  Movie makes me laugh every time.
4) The Pink Panther Strikes Again.  This one time, when we watched it as a family, we had to stop it in the bedroom scene because my brother was hyperventilating from laughing so hard.  There are lines from this that we can quote for years.  It is so good.
5) Pride and Prejudice (the 5 hr BBC one).  Love this movie.  Seen it like 20 times.  Not gonna lie, or apologize. It is the penultimate version of this out there. Darcy is great, aloof, and yet withdrawn, and Lizzie is clever, assertive, and handsome enough to tempt just about anyone. Again, I could quote this movie in my sleep.  Delightful.

6) (Bonus) Dogma. Kevin Smith, the thirteenth apostle, two angels banished to Wisconsin, a poop monster, Alan Rickman, and Jay and Silent Bob.  How could there be a problem?  Especially since there is the added bonus of dealing with spiritual issues.  I'm very fond of the movie.

There you go, my embarassing six.

I just finished this book

The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

Terry Pratchett

Anyway, this book is a concoction of  Mr. Pratchett's trademark irreverent humor, and the classic "Pied Piper" fairy tale.  I laughed all the way through this book.  It did get dark at times, but it was very very enjoyable all around, and the end was very amusing and rather unprecedented, as far as  rat stories go.   Things  I learned along the way:
    - Mr. Bunsy's adventure would be a very funny spinnoff story, and a good send up of Beatrix Potter.
    -Cats do not have a deity (it would be too much like a job) but they really do have 9 lives
    -Kevin is not a good name for a fairy tale hero, especially one who is an orphan, of unknown parentage, who may really be a king, or magical or whatever.
    -Terry Pratchett has a very, very big and twisted imagination.
Good Potty read though :)

I just got done reading a few books.  I really enjoyed both.

Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper

Diablo Cody

I had read in an interview with Diablo Cody, the unique woman who penned the script for 'Juno'-a movie I really like, that she had written a book chronicling her year as a stripper.  I have to admit I was intrigued, so I hopped on the computer, and ordered it up from the Library.
Whew, this book was good. From the first she had me with her witty prose, her scathing honesty, and ability to look at herself wryly.  I was also kind of taken aback by how visceral and visual she was.  I read this book and felt like I'd visually seen more of her body then I ever needed to. :)  The other thing that intrigued me about this book is her journey from being intrigued and excited, to her apathy and callousness at the end.  I really was impressed by this book, and by Diablo's voice.  There's not many who can phrase things like her, and I wasn't disappointed.
I was surprised, however, how much I felt like I was reading Sex and the City again, by the end.  The stories weren't at all a like, neither were the voices of the authors, but maybe the pathos, the spirit of both evoked in me a similar reaction, emotionally.
I'm seriously contemplating purchasing this for my library.  It's ia good, somewhat quick, read despite the vocabulary being impressive, large, and multilingual.  Cody has her share of pop culture references, but they are often quirky and off the beaten path, just like she is.  This was an enjoyable book.

I also read this book:

I Am America (And So Can You!)

Stephen Colbert

It was just like listening to the show, only there was no applause.  I enjoy Colbert, as he has this wonderful way of sounding just like and skewering the pundits at exactly the same time. I found out interesting things, such as the number one and number two items that are trying to turn Stephen gay are baby carrots and Clive Owen, and both are doing a very good job.  I also learned that Stephen has some very intriguing plans on how to save this great nation for the rich people. 
I laughed out loud, was often amused, and once had to turn the cd player down (I was listening to this on cd) when I went through the drive through and Steven was ranting about how he doesn't see race, and started ranting about affirmative action.   Steven I hope you didn't get my food spat in  with your tongue in cheek remarks.

All in all I liked this little getaway from the sober books I've been reading.  I have a couple close to being done, and a few more I'm plowing my way through.  I should have more to report on soon.

SHENANIGANS!

Listen up Sonny-Jim.
I've worked with you for many years.
Age wise you should be an adult
Should being the operative word.
I used the restroom after you.
Apparently you don't know some of the basics, first one being:
FLUSH!

I know I do a lot of 'clean up' after your work, but that shouldn't carry over into the bathroom.
You can do it!  It's not that mentally taxing.
Don't make me come after you with the toilet brush.

SHENANIGANS!

Is there a matrimonial version of Bah Humbug?

O.k. I swear, tomorrow I will be over my cynical hump.  Promise.

  *Went to paint in KT's office.  Wiped a paintbrush off on my trousers, STILL have a black spot just above my knee that won't come off completely 4 days later.

  *Had lunch with Brooke and Alesha.  Realized that Brook is going home next week.  I am going to miss the snot out of her.

  *Had drinks with Moe and Kris.  Zao is growing so much.  Realized they are moving to Oh in 6 weeks, and I am going to miss the snot out of them.
 
  *Got a hour with April while she was on the way moving to North Dakota.  I feel bereft.  She was a long time roommate and good friend, and ND is a long way away.

  *Suicidal raccoon hit my car to the tune of $958, $500 of which is my responsibility.  I have the money, I just don't have the money cause it's in the moving fund, but the car has to be fixed.  Damn Raccoons!

  *Kids that used to be in the youth group I lead are getting married tomorrow. I'm playing and singing in the wedding, and have a remarkably bad attitude about it.  In addition, I have to sing a country music song, and the outfit I was planning on wearing reveals the big black spot referred to in the beginning.

  *Delays on the Visa/Moving front, which makes me very frustrated.

  *Really want to get out of my mind drunk, but it is probably not the best Idea.

  *I took a really long walk on Tuesday, and It was wonderful, but haven't been able to duplicate it since.  Which is frustrating.  I really need to work out more.

before watching this 

27 Dresses (Widescreen Edition)

SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT!
I should know better by now.
I'm a freaking idiot.

Brosbeforehoes

1 comment

I want this more than I can say.
I should get a bumper sticker of it, and I can put it on my car right next to the one that says "Voldemort votes Republican".  Yeah, I'm pretty sure that would be a good way to get my church to pray for me.